Monday, May 5, 2014
So to be brutally honest, I am aching for a change of scenery. And a change in routine actually. I am finding myself seeking little escapes more and more lately. And instead of engaging with the people around me, I kinda want to hide. I straddle the line between extrovert and introvert and my hermit qualities are definitely winning the tug of war at the moment. Not sure if it's end of school year burnout and/or overload? I feel super disconnected in so many areas of my life. My prayer lately has been for discipline and renewed strength to mother with intention. Because I just feel checked out lately. It feels vulnerable to write that, but it's true. I think some people may read this blog and think I am a shiny happy mommy all the time, but that is far from reality. I am actually a self-centered mommy who wants her own way far too often.
I came across this quote recently and just love how crushingly real it is....
"We cannot fully comprehend God's love, nor can our meager words fully define it. But from what I understand of it now, I know it is a love I cannot escape. It is a love that follows me out to the car when I have blown up at my family and want to run away. It is a love that taps me on the shoulder when I am basking in my "good mom" identity -- as though I don't need Christ's righteousness, as though I have somehow come up with my own. It is a love that pursues me and settles me and continues to transform every bit of me into the very image of Christ. "
- Excerpt from Christ in the Chaos by Kimm Crandall
I think I've just had a few too many days of feeling like I could do it ALL on my own, and then subsequently failing, and then subsequently remembering that I need the righteousness of Christ to redeem my pitiful, self-centered attempts. I've chosen myself and my needs too many days in a row. It starts to feel so stinkin pointless. It's like I got off track a while back but it was a super slow drift. So slow that I didn't even notice. And I just turned around and realized how far of course I have wandered.
I'm looking forward to the next couple months of some shakeups in our routine as well as a renewed self-awareness of things I want to change. And the book quote above reminds me that there's no win or loss that exists outside of God's all encompassing love.